Yesterday was hard. More specifically, last night was hard. I should back up a little.
Last night Joe and I had planned to go out to dinner after I attended a women’s networking event organized by Wonder Women of Boston. I was careful about my food throughout the day to make sure that a small splurge at dinner wouldn’t hurt the progress I’ve been making.
I went to the networking event and had an amazing time. I met a ton of empowered and empowering women and left feeling like I had a clearer vision of my own purpose. As I left and started walking to the bus to meet Joe, I saw he had sent me a text saying he needed to cancel to help his dad with the family business, but that we could order dinner in once he finished. No big deal, so I grabbed the bus and headed home.
By this point it was almost 9 and I was super hungry. Some grapes from the networking event just weren’t keeping me full. I tried something from my foodie pen pal box (which arrived yesterday and I can’t wait to share in the reveal!) to hold me over until Joe finished helping his dad. Once he got back home and we ordered food, it was late. The place I normally order from if I want something fast but healthy was closed. Against what should have been my better judgment, I had Joe order veggie pizza.
This was a bad idea for several reasons, not the least of which is the gluten issue. I just feel like crap whenever I have it, but for some reason I keep coming back to it in a pinch. I always regret it.
Sure enough, the pizza arrived just after 11pm (eating so late is another reason this was a bad idea, but I felt like I needed something). By this point I felt like I was starving and I fell into an all too familiar trap. I ate WAY too much of that pizza.
I went to bed feeling disgusted with myself. I woke up feeling disgusted with myself. When I had breakfast this morning (out of sheer habit, not hunger) I almost got sick because my stomach still felt so full. All morning my stomach continued to feel that way. Miserable. All the gluten, all the cheese, all the CRAP, just sitting there in my stomach and not going anywhere.
My mind was going all over the place, but mostly to the self-shaming that tries to creep up in these situations. Then I looked back over the comments from previous posts where I’ve struggled and remembered how far I’ve come in life and in my weight loss journey. I also found a list of the 100 Most Inspirational Weight Loss Bloggers of 2013 and from there I found this blog.
I started reading out of sheer curiosity where it would go and couldn’t stop. I still haven’t stopped, only paused to write this post. Although I have never been 700 pounds, I find so much of what I’ve read so far to sound like it has come out of my own head. The physical limitations of being overweight, the emotional struggles, the need for something more in life and the absolute FIGHT to get it, no matter what. I’ve been moved to tears several times (virtually every post, if you must know) and that’s because it reminds me that this is such a hard fight for so many of us.
Obviously I don’t mean to suggest that I have struggled in the same ways or to the same degree as the blog’s anonymous author, only that we all struggle. Even more than that, we all have to find our way through our struggles in our own way. Sometimes the struggle is brief and we begin to easily navigate the potential road blocks that arise, other times the struggle seems nearly impossible and like it will never in. Sometimes we wonder if it’s even worth it.
As I sat reading I was so inspired. If a 700 pound man with legs so swollen that standing puts him in immense pain can get up and start walking up and down his hall 20-25 times a day to start his journey to healthier living, I can sure as hell move past one stupid pizza binge*.
So instead of wallowing in the misery that I still felt in the pit of my stomach and eating lunch just because it’s lunch time, I took some other measures. First, I dealt with my digestion issues with some Digestion Plus mixed in with a fizz stick.
It was a lifesaver. My stomach started to feel so much better shortly thereafter and I started to feel like a normal human again. Then I went for a short walk around the building, just to get up and get my blood moving, followed by some push ups for good measure.
Then I decided that when I actually feel HUNGRY I’ll get some lunch. I didn’t pack anything today because I wasn’t sure how my stomach would feel, but now that it’s feeling better I imagine that at some point my body is going to want something. At that point I’ll go grab a cup of soup and some fruit because that really is all my body needs. There’s still plenty of fuel in there from last night and breakfast, I’m sure.
The whole experience has reminded me that we really are responsible for how we feel because how we feel is mostly about how we react to things or people. In every difficult situation we can either let it overpower us and feel worthless and useless, or we can OVERPOWER it and feel stronger and wiser for what we’ve learned. I’m choosing to overpower the feelings I had last night and this morning. I’m forging ahead, stronger and wiser. Yesterday is hard, but today will be better.
*I use the term binge colloquially. My “binge” last night with pizza was not tantamount to a clinical binge as seen in bulimia or binge eating disorder. If you are experiencing binges or uncontrolled eating episodes, please talk to your doctor or mental health professional. Don’t go it alone.