That’s right, Joe’s at it again! Pretty soon I’m going to have to promote him to series regular around here. Enjoy!
Three Things Saturday: If you behave better this week than you did last week, maybe then we can have five things next week.
If you wanna be my latte II
This is only a vanity piece so I can write: the “Smell and Taste Treatment and Research Foundation of Chicago” and mention the images it conjures of one man, many cans of beans and the poor soul pacing behind him as he makes those beans disappear. The poor soul paces back and forth scentless, alone and dreaming of the day the treatments work and he finds out just why all the men in white coats are laughing at him. Anyway, Alan Hirsh at the (even better the second time) Smell and Taste Treatment and Research Foundation of Chicago had 31 men smell 30 things to find out how horny it made them (as laid out here with the benefits of editing and professionalism). Hirsh found that the combination of lavender and pumpkin pie had the best results. What gets me is that Hirsh had to decide to mix pumpkin pie and lavender together in a process that most likely involved restraints and a safe word but I don’t want to trespass on Cosmo’s turf. So if you ever wondered why that Pumpkin Spice Latte was so popular despite containing no actual pumpkin just ask that man in your life. Because nothing turns a man on quite like telling him you spent another $6 on flavored coffee. Once he’s over that and things do heat up and get all frothy, stop and think of Mr. Alan Hirsh of (pumpkin does nothing for me but I get positively beastly for) the Smell and Taste Treatment and Research Foundation of Chicago.
Ooooh, They So Sensitive
6SensorLabs are making a device to sniff out any hint of flour in food for those affected by gluten allergies. The price will be less than $150. The person that buys it will be ridiculed (starting just then). I accept that people experience negative reactions to gluten and the thought of that scares me because god put gluten in all good things and without carbs, I wouldn’t last a mile in those shoes. But, seriously, for less than $150.00 Becki will come to you and lick whatever is on your plate giving detailed descriptions of her gastrointestinal goings-on. Not kidding. Not even asking her permission. It’s on. First six requesters only pay $75. Book now, Christmas is on the way.
While They Are So Fancy, In Case You Didn’t Already Know
16 food and beverage companies surpassed their own goals in The Healthy Weight Commitment Foundation Pledge cutting 6.4 trillion calories from their products, up from the stated goal of 1.5 trillion. This saves an estimated 78 calories per consumer with cuts being made to foods and beverages deemed “concerning”. Now it’s time for the breakdown. Snack peddlers of delicious high-fat, high-sugar, artificial e’erything promised to remove some calories over a five year period and they did. Aren’t they just as bland as their products are addicting. This wasn’t the disco limbo competition after 8 margaritas, this was clearing the low bar you set for yourselves. I don’t want to be too harsh because something this large would affect many people including myself and while 78 calories is about the equivalent of three trips to the bathroom, this is a step in the right direction for corporations that turn diabetes into gold. I also understand that while nutritional education lags, caloric intake retains an element of choice and companies do not make us buy or eat anything, only manipulate us using reams of consumer data, freaky deaky smell tests and the enslavement of cartoon animals. This is the corporate version of a duck-lipped, high-angle MySpace selfie. You do not look that good. It’s not a good day at the office to spend five years getting marginally less worse. If you really want to feel better about yourself then send a care package of these better products over to Phillip Morris. Show ‘em how it’s done.