Game Changing Snacks: Chicken Two Ways with Blue Diamond Almonds

I was provided with two flavors of Blue Diamond almonds for the purposes of creating the recipes for this post. I was not compensated in any other way. All thoughts and opinions are my own. 

It’s almost time for the Big Game, you guys! As a New England transplant of almost 10 years, you know I’m excited (I’m banning any talk of deflate-gate here and now, haha).

If you’re like me, you’ll probably be cooking something for the Big Game, whether you’re watching it at home or going to someone else’s party. That means if you haven’t done it yet, you’ll need to choose a recipe and get your shopping done in the next couple of days.

As someone with dietary restrictions, parties can be tough. Sometimes people don’t even know what your dietary restriction means (no, potatoes don’t have gluten — yes, I’m sure) and sometimes you don’t even want to bring it up. Whatever the case, bringing your own food can be the safest bet even if your only restriction (even though I hate using that word here) is that you’re trying to eat healthier than your friends.

So when Blue Diamond offered to send me two flavors of almonds to use in the creation of some Game Changing Snacks, I was excited by the challenge. I was even more excited when I opened my package and found two bold, amazing flavors: Smokehouse and Wasabi & Soy Sauce.

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I knew right away based on the flavor profiles alone that I wanted to do something with beer and the Smokehouse almonds and something with other Asian flavors to accompany the Wasabi & Soy Sauce almonds. After some fruitful time in the kitchen, I present to you Gluten-Free Beer Battered Smokehouse Chicken Tenders and Wasabi Soy Pulled Chicken with Greek Yogurt & Sriracha Sauce. The recipes below are intentionally vague on the amount of ingredients. The directions will indicate ratios of ingredients to allow you to size up or down depending on the size of your party.

Gluten-Free Beer Battered Smokehouse Chicken Tenders

That’s a mouthful, huh? Let me assure you, it’s worth it. These chicken tenders come out moist on the inside and crispy on the outside and the flavors of both the beer and smokehouse almonds really come through. Plus they’re baked so you’re left with the healthy fats from the almonds without all the added grease from frying.

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Ingredients:

Boneless, skinless chicken breast (cut into strips)
Blue Diamond Smokehouse almonds
Gluten free beer of choice
Plain cornmeal
Egg

That’s it! Easy, right?

Directions:

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Line a cookie sheet with aluminum foil and spray lightly with cooking spray. Place almonds into a blender or food processor (I used my Ninja) and pulse until powdery. You’ll need approximately 4 oz of almonds for every 10 tenders you plan to make. Avoid blending too long, or you may end up with Smokehouse almond butter, which admittedly wouldn’t be terrible just not best for this recipe.

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In a small bowl, combine egg and beer (about 1/2c. of beer for each egg used) and beat briefly. Add just enough cornmeal to thicken slightly.

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Place ground almonds in a separate bowl and assemble chicken tenders by soaking in beer and egg wash, then coating with almonds.

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Repeat until all tenders are coated and placed on prepared cookie sheet.

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Bake for 15-20 minutes until crispy. Remove from oven and allow to rest so the coating crisps up nicely and adheres to the chicken.

What you’re left with are deliciously smoky chicken tenders that are perfectly moist on the inside. They’re great on their own or you can serve them with a side of your favorite barbecue sauce.

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Wasabi Soy Pulled Chicken with Greek Yogurt & Sriracha Sauce

If Asian flavors are more your thing on game day, you’ll love this pulled chicken that can be served in lettuce wraps, on tacos or on top of your favorite salad. The chicken itself gets a nice kick fro the Wasabi & Soy almonds while the optional sauce kicks up the flavors and heat to rival your buddy’s greasy, fried buffalo wings.

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Ingredients:

Boneless, skinless chicken breast
Blue Diamond Wasabi & Soy almonds
Fresh lemon
Ground ginger
Plain Greek yogurt
Sriracha sauce

Directions:

In a medium saucepan, add enough water to cover chicken. To the water add chicken, a large handful of almonds for every 2 chicken breasts, the juice of half a lemon per chicken breast, and approximately 1 Tbsp. of ground ginger per chicken breast.

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Bring water to a boil and poach chicken for 10-15 minutes or until done (more time may be necessary for more chicken). Remove from heat and allow chicken to cool on a plate before shredding. You can use two forks to shred the chicken, but I prefer using my hands to pull it apart.

Grind another small handful of almonds in your blender or food processor, leaving some larger pieces. Top chicken with these almonds and another squeeze of fresh lemon juice and allow flavors to continue to marry as you make your sauce.

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For the sauce (which is the easiest in the world): combine plain Greek yogurt with sriracha and ground ginger to taste. The chicken will already have the kick of wasabi from the almonds, so use your best judgment with the amount of sriracha and ginger you add to your sauce.

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Serve with tacos or over a salad for a heartier snack or on bite-sized pieces of lettuce for quick finger food.

That’s it! Two recipes, healthy and delicious, easy peasy. With minimal ingredients, no frying, and no gluten, these snacks are certainly a Game Changer!

What are your favorite game day snacks? 

xoxo,
Becki

This post is sponsored by Blue Diamond Almonds. For more Game Changing Snacks, visit Blue Diamond Almonds on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.

Blizzard Workout 2015

Good morning, everyone! How many of you are being impacted by the blizzard that is pummeling the East Coast?

Here in Boston we’ve had a travel ban since midnight and it’s like a ghost town out there. It’s hard to tell just how much snow we have so far because the wind is doing such a great job of redistribution.

What I can tell is that I won’t be going anywhere today except to shovel. That means I need an at-home workout to get me through.

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If you don’t have a bike at home, substitute another type of cardio (either on another piece of equipment or by mixing up different kinds of bodyweight exercises such as mountain climbers and jumping jacks). The important thing here is getting your heart rate up while doing full body strength training.

What’s your favorite way to work out when you can’t go outside?

xoxo,
Becki

A Birthday Gift to Myself

Today at 8:10pm I will officially turn 28 years old. Being in my hometown with my family on my birthday for the first time in 10 years has been an amazing experience. Let’s be honest, a Pats win to send them to the Super Bowl was quite the icing on the birthday cake even though it happened the day before my birthday.

Each year as my birthday nears, I think about what I’ve accomplished in the previous year and what I want to accomplish moving forward. This year I took a slightly different approach. Sure, I have goals I want to accomplish in the coming year, but this birthday was about something different. This birthday was about going back and accomplishing something I could never do before.

When I was in middle school there was a trail that we had to run during P.E. (gym class). This trail, dubbed the Nature Trail, was longer than the track. In fact, it’s about a mile around and as its name suggests is more like trail running. Most of us despised the Nature Trail. Each day as we headed into P.E. I hoped to myself that it wasn’t a Nature Trail day.

In case you’re a new reader, you should know that I haven’t always loved fitness and running. In fact, I was overweight my entire life and didn’t run my first mile until 2010. Yes, that means that in all the time I had to “run” the Nature Trail, I never actually accomplished it. This also meant that my first ever “B” (I was always an A student) was in middle school P.E. because I couldn’t complete the Nature Trail.

While I’ve now completed two marathons and several shorter races, I still felt like I had something to prove. In some ways there was more of a mental block on the Nature Trail than a physical block. Still, when I returned to my hometown this week and realized the weather was going to be absolutely beautiful, I knew there was something I just had to do.

 

Yesterday Joe and I drove out to my old middle school so that I could conquer the Nature Trail once and for all.

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When we pulled into the middle school and I looked out at the Nature Trail, which extends up and around the track, then around both the softball and baseball fields before circling back to the basketball courts and parking lot, I was a little intimidated. It sounds silly with all my running accomplishments, but all those experiences of stopping after just getting partway up the first hill came flashing back.

Still, I resolved to finish it, one way or another.

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Joe took my photo beforehand and agreed to run along with me, taking photos on my phone to capture the experience. As we started up that first hill, I was a little ambitious in my speed and found myself a little out of breath. Of course this got in my head a little bit and made me consider, if just for a split second, abandoning the run. I snapped out of that quickly as I thought of all the times I had given up and how sweet it would feel to finally beat that path.

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As we came over the hill and started our descent toward the baseball and softball fields, I picked up the speed again.

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As we rounded the fence of the baseball field I thought back to a specific memory in which I was with a friend and we were walking the last part of the trail because we couldn’t even try to run anymore. I remember how embarrassed I felt that it had taken us so long to get that far around the trail and that we wouldn’t have much time left in the class period once we met with our teacher and he recorded our times.

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I kicked it up for the final run across the basketball courts and toward the gate that led to the parking lot.

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As I passed through it I came to a walk then a stop before turning to face Joe. Without saying a word I threw my hands up in the air, he took a photo, and we got in the car and drove away.

Just like that I conquered the Nature Trail and there was nothing more to say. Joe already knew how much it meant to me and how much of an accomplishment it was for me.

In middle school I was someone who hated exercise unless I was playing some sort of sport that involved some element of standing still (I played softball for years and only ran when I needed to get on base). I hated that I couldn’t run for more than a few seconds and that first B haunted me for years.

Now I’m someone who truly enjoys exercise because of the way it makes me feel when I’m finished. Yesterday when I finished that run around the Nature Trail, I felt strong despite the fact that my lungs were burning and that all I wanted was a drink of water.

I changed my story. I made edits to the person I was and in the end have come out more like myself than I ever thought possible. I conquered the Nature Trail and have decided that the experience represents everything that this year is to me.

This year I am determined to do the things I never though possible. I am determined to live my best lift, to push my limits, to see beyond the boundaries and barriers and into the possibilities and dreams. That is the birthday gift I give myself this year. That is who I choose to be.

xoxo,
Becki

Surprise!

I can finally talk about the secret I’ve been keeping. It’s not that big of a deal to most of you, but to my family it was a pleasant shock. As I typed this, I was sitting at the Rathskeller Coffee Haus & Pub in my hometown in North Carolina. We drove in late Wednesday night and surprised my parents with a visit for my birthday, which is in two days.

Not being able to visit my family over the holidays (for the first time ever) was tough. Thanks to Skype I was at least able to see my niece and nephew open their gifts from Joe and me, but I was sad to not get to see them in person.

Before we even made the decision that we weren’t going to come to town for the holidays, we made a plan to come in January for my birthday. The kicker was that I wanted it to be a surprise, which meant that I couldn’t tell my mother.

This may not seem like a massive undertaking, but my mother and I speak on the phone multiple times per day. She’s my closest friend and since she doesn’t have texting that means we have many phone conversations. You know that little thing that you would normally text your best friend? We call each other.  Even if it’s something small and inconsequential, we chat about it. It probably drives Joe crazy, but I’m quite often on the phone with my mother.

This meant that for the past month and a half to two months, I’ve been struggling to keep this a secret. I almost slipped up a few times, but managed to keep it under wraps.

Although I had planned to just drive up and surprise them, we hit a little bit of traffic and bad weather last night that delayed our arrival by over an hour. I called around 10:30, when I would normally be getting off work, and found out they were planning to go to bed soon. I decided after getting off the phone with my mom and talking to Joe that we needed to spill the beans. That conversation went a little something like this.

Mom answers the phone.

Becki: So…well, this was supposed to be a surprise, but I’m afraid you’ll be asleep.
Mom: (after a beat, waiting for me to continue) Yeah?
Becki: Joe, the guinea pigs, and I aren’t in Boston.
Mom: (waits another beat) Well, where are you?
Becki: We just came across Balsam (mountain).
Mom: Came across Balsam?!
Becki: (laughing) Yeah.
Mom: You’re driving?!
Becki: (still laughing) Yeah.
Mom: You came all the way from Boston?!
Becki: (almost crying, laughing so hard) Yeah. Well today just from Philadelphia, we stayed with a friend last night. We were going to just pull up, but you sounded like you were getting ready for bed.
Mom: Wow!

Half an hour later we pulled up into my parents’ driveway, guinea pigs in tow. Even though we had to reveal the surprise a little sooner than expected, they were still very much surprised and happy to see us.

Huge thanks to my brother for keeping the secret, my boss for being understanding about my taking this trip after just two weeks at my new position, and to our friend Jay for hosting us in Philadelphia. We couldn’t have pulled this off without all your help.

Now it’s time to sit back, relax, and enjoy some family time.

xoxo,
Becki

2015 Health and Fitness Goals

Have I mentioned I’m bad at keeping secrets? It’s not a great excuse for why I haven’t been blogging regularly, but it’s at least part of it. I’ll have more about that soon, I promise. It isn’t going to be very interesting to most of you, but it’s important enough to me that I’m keeping it quiet for now.

I’ve also been busy adjusting to my new work schedule and getting in the groove of being in a new place.  Let me just say that I love it! My new job is amazing; I love the team and the members I’ve worked with so far. I’m very happy with the decision I made to transfer clubs and I foresee a lot of good things on the horizon because of it.

A few of my goals for the New Year are really benefiting from my new job as well. I don’t like doing resolutions because so many of them fail, but goals are definitely reachable so long as they’re SMART.  More about this in a future post.

One of my goals is to be more active on a regular basis. For me this means walking to work at least 3 days per week. I’ve only walked to work a couple of times so far because it’s been so cold, but those few times have been great. I’ve also had more time to get in my workouts now that I have a set schedule again, including some new workout DVDs Joe got me for Christmas. I just have to keep it up once everything at the club is in full swing and I start setting my own schedule again.

Another goal that is helped by my job transition is to start planning my meals and prepping food again, at least four of my meals each week. I started on a great foot last week with some salads in a jar so I was able to eat healthy during lunch. I also tried making my breakfast protein shakes the night before and that has saved so much time in the morning!

Finally, I’ve once again decided to run the Vermont City Marathon held over Memorial Day in Burlington, VT. I’ve run it for the past two years, but my training has been lacking. My only goal for the marathon isn’t even for the race itself, but for the preparation. This year I want to be more consistent with my training and my work schedule is lending itself well to 3 runs per week and one on the weekend.

A few of my goals aren’t being impacted by my new job (at least directly). One of them is to get my boxing certification this year. I love boxing and I want to be able to use it as a tool with my clients. It’s so great for overall fitness (and stress relief) that I think it would be a perfect addition to my mind/body repertoire.

Do you set annual goals or are you a resolution setter? What are your health and fitness goals/resolutions for 2015? 

xoxo,
Becki

Happy New Year: 2015 News

Good morning and Happy New Year, everyone! I hope you all spent New Year’s Eve doing whatever it is you wanted to do.

What is everyone’s plan for today? Are you getting started on your New Year’s resolutions?

I’m starting off 2015 with a bang! If you follow me on Instagram or Facebook you may have already seen this news, but I’m starting a new job today!

For the past year I’ve been working as a personal trainer at Healthworks, a women’s gym with four locations in the Boston area (I’ve been working in Chestnut Hill). Healthworks is also the group behind GymIt, a group of lower cost, co-ed gyms, and now Republic Fitness, a co-ed luxury gym in the Financial District of Boston.

Today I begin the next chapter of my career as a personal trainer at Republic Fitness!

This all happened very quickly and I couldn’t share widely until all of my Healthworks clients had been notified so the blog went dark for a while (I’m not very good at keeping secrets).

Even though I’m going to miss my clients, this move is a positive one for me, personally and professionally.

Republic is just two miles from my apartment, rather than the 10 miles I’ve been driving to Healthworks. This means not only will I be able to go home for my longer breaks, I’ll be able to walk or run to work most days.

The shortened commute as well as more time and opportunity to get my own workouts in is a huge bonus. Another bonus personally is that I’ll be working on the same street as Joe, meaning that in theory I’ll get to see him a little more often now, even if that just means coffee once per week.

On a professional level, the transition to Republic will provide my first opportunity to train men. This is going to be a completely new challenge and I’m very excited to test and push myself.

As we close the book on 2014 and begin 2015, I’m grateful to work for a company that provides so many opportunities for growth and development.

Come check out Republic if you live or work in Boston and don’t forget to say hi!

xoxo,
Becki

Exercise and Illness: How Much Is Too Much?

Yesterday was one of those really long days. I’m talking leave the house at 5:30am and walk back in at 8:30pm. It was made even longer by the very nature of being my first day back at work after vacation. Add that to being sick and it felt like the day would never end.

My food for the day was all over the place and I missed a couple of photos.

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I started my morning with some Emergen-C and had a Think Thin bar as I was walking from my car into work. A couple of hours later I had my Kind bar then picked up a chai tea and cold-pressed juice from Starbucks.

Lunch was chicken and rice soup followed by a banana and cheese stick. When I got home I made a quick dinner with spaghetti squash that I roasted on Sunday mixed with sautéed tomatoes and snow peas and garlic lover’s hummus.

Even with so much all going on in my day, I still managed to stay within my nutrition goals and incorporate some exercise.

Exercising while sick is an interesting debate. Go too hard and you tax your immune system, possibly making your illness more severe. Avoid exercise altogether and you miss out on all the huge benefits of getting your body moving.

My take on it is that it’s a fine line that’s mostly about how you feel. I knew that yesterday I wasn’t up for an intense workout. I needed rest, but I also needed to establish a routine of movement, no matter how small.

So I compromised with walking hill intervals on the treadmill.  I started slow and gradually worked my way up to a challenging speed and incline. I considered pushing further and harder, but went into cool down after 30 minutes.

The result? Not too shabby!

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I managed over 200 calories according to the machine estimate and don’t seem to have exacerbated my symptoms. Immediately afterward I was a bit lightheaded, but that resolved quickly as I rehydrated.

The most important thing is to know your body and its limits. If you’re new to exercise, err on the side of caution to be safe. Taking a couple of rest days on your own terms is much better than going too hard and ending up in forced rest, but if you feel up to it go ahead and get moving!

Do you exercise when you’re sick? What is the deciding factor?

xoxo,
Becki

Catching Up & Staying Accountable

Hello, readers! If you’re still hanging around here after these past three weeks of radio silence, thank you!

What a few weeks it has been. After returning from my trip to North Carolina for a family friend’s memorial service and an early Thanksgiving with my family, it was go, go, go. Between Thanksgiving with Joe’s family, a nephew’s birthday, and squeezing in clients prior to leaving for a short vacation in Puerto Rico, it’s been hectic.

Yep, you read that right, I just returned from San Juan with a group of colleagues. It was the Healthworks incentive trip that we earned because the club hit its revenue goal for the year. That meant that the employees who hit their goals were awarded flight and hotel to Puerto Rico. It was such an unbelievable time filled with old friends, new friends, great food and drinks, a gorgeous ocean, first time snorkeling, and lots of time by the pool.


wpid-20141210_154040.jpg wpid-20141212_110651.jpg wpid-20141212_145259.jpg wpid-20141212_170350.jpgAs amazing as it was to get away from Boston for a few days and spend some time in 80+ degrees, I was glad to get home to Joe and the guinea pigs. I was also pretty grateful for a salad on Saturday night. This trip was a last hurrah of sorts. Now is the time for accountability.

I talk to my clients about their accountability to me and also their accountability to themselves. After all, if they aren’t accountable to themselves outside of our sessions, we won’t see results (and certainly not lasting change). I have to do the same, have some accountability to another and also to myself.

You’ll be seeing quite a bit more in the coming weeks about my food and exercise. This will not only ensure that I’m being conscious about the food I’m eating, but also that I’ll blog more frequently. Two birds with one stone, right? So without further ado, here is what I ate yesterday on my first full day back in Boston.

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Breakfast was half of a grapefruit, three boiled egg whites, and one whole boiled egg with a cup of coffee. It was a late breakfast because we slept in a little bit, so for lunch I had a protein coffee (black coffee with Arbonne chocolate protein powder blended in, so good!). For dinner Joe and I went out to Papagayo where I got the Ensalada de la Casa with chicken and a couple of drinks (one blood orange cocktail and one ginger peach cocktail). I didn’t have any of the chips even though Papagayo offers a gluten free option because I knew I was getting drinks.

After dinner we stopped by JP Licks before grocery shopping where I got a kiddie size eggnog ice cream. Upon getting home I had an Emergen-C (I got sick the last day in Puerto Rico) and finished the evening with a hot toddy with plenty of lemon juice and honey (unpictured). Still not quite my “regular” eating, but slowly getting back on track.

My only exercise today was lots of walking around doing Christmas shopping. Not the high intensity I’m used to, but enough to wear me out while being sick. Here’s hoping I get well soon and can get back to kicking ass and taking names.

What have you been doing for the past three weeks? Any great blog posts you want to share? Add them in the comments! I need to catch up on my blog reading too!

xoxo,
Becki

Confessions of a Water Snob: 16 Water Taste Test & Review

This is a sponsored post written by me on behalf of 16 Water. All opinions are 100% mine.

We all have something we’re picky about, right? Some of us have several things. Weirdly enough, one of mine has always been water. No, I’m not saying I’m one of those water snobs who only drinks Perrier (also no judgment if you are), but I am a little choosy when it comes to H2O.

I’m at my parents’ house in North Carolina right now (heading back to Boston tonight, actually) and I’ve always loved the water here in Western North Carolina. Even as a kid though I thought my aunt’s water tasted different than ours. Never mind that she lived just up the hill from us and the difference (if any) was tiny. I’ve also always been picky about bottled water. Some brands I love, some brands practically turn my stomach.

I’ve had my share of people express disbelief about this. After all, water is water, right? Oh if only it were that simple. I’m always equally surprised when other people can’t tell the difference between brands of bottled water or when my friends who grew up in the city can’t taste the chlorine (you are joking, right?).

So when I had the opportunity to try 16 Water, I knew it was right up my alley.

What is 16 Water and what makes it unique? 16 Water is a high-quality bottled water brand that is produced and packaged on Jeju, a volcanic island off the Southwest coast of the Korean peninsula. The island was formed by volcanic eruptions, which created a series of underground reservoirs below the volcano Halla Mountain that are continuously renewed by heavy rainfall indigenous to the climate. The volcanic soil composition of the island also provides a natural filtration system, which both serves to remove impurities and impart a rich supply of minerals. The water brand, 16, is naturally purified through 16 layers of volcanic rock, hence the brand name of 16. No weird chemicals = no weird taste. But of course, tasting firsthand is believing.

I received 6 bottles of 16 Water to try and decided to try them in several capacities. The first was at room temperature, straight out of the bottle.

It really reminded me of the water from my hometown in the mountains of North Carolina. It was very crisp and tasted clean. I could imagine drinking it out of my parents’ tap (very different from the tap water in Boston, let me tell you).

I have really been trying to increase my water intake at work, so my next taste test was there. I put a couple of bottles in the fridge and drank them throughout my shift. It was awesome having a great tasting water at my disposal and I love that the bottle is so unique. When else have you seen a black label on bottled water? I was never at risk of confusing my bottle with anyone else’s and got lots of inquiries about the brand.

My final taste test was during and post-workout. I set out a bottle with my workout gear the night before and after an intense cardio session on the bike, the water was just what I needed to refuel.

Having 16 Water around definitely encouraged me to drink more water and I think it tastes great (this is coming from a water snob, mind you). I love that the vitamins and minerals in it are all naturally-occurring from the natural filtration process and not added as an afterthought. That really comes through in the flavor and quality of the brand.

And of course it’s always convenient to have water delivered right to your doorstep, so that was a nice bonus. You can get it delivered straight to you too by ordering on Amazon. Get your 16 Water on Amazon now.

Even if you’re not a water snob like me, I can assure you that you’ll love this water. Besides, who doesn’t like something exotic? What’s more exotic than water from a volcanic island? Make sure to check out 16 Water on their website and Facebook below. And, as always, I’d love to hear your thoughts!

Visit 16 Water online and 16 Water on Facebook

Are you a water snob? Have you ever tried 16 Water?

xoxo,

Becki

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Three Things For Friday: My Neck, My Back

Thing 1

Becki is away for the weekend. That means for the next few days the blog is mine. I write this naked with the windows open feeling good about myself. Cupcakes for dinner.

Thing 2
You can’t take it with you when you go.

Ladies, did you ever wake up and think, golly I wish I had some temp boobs? Not the lifelong kind that serve as voodoo dolls for the makers of underwires but some gig boobs, there when you need them then gone once the need to be embiggened has subsided. No? Well, you can anyway thanks to vacation breasts.

Vacation breasts sound like something your husband was into when he went to that Bachelor Party in vegas but they are actually an enlargement of the breasts via injection of a saline solution lasting 2-3 weeks. About three times as long as the winner you’ll meet with them. I give points for subversion in selling women a process that’s really just targeted water retention.  Vaca boobs are marketed less as a creepy way to make women feel like they aren’t woman enough and their breasts define them and more as a test run for the weight and heft of real implants so… Ooops, my bad. They really are marketed creepily as a way for women to feel like they aren’t woman enough and their breasts define them. (Is Mattel an investor? Because I don’t know about the rest of her but I hear Barbie’s sales are pretty flat too.)

These are of course from the makers of 24 hour Insta Breast, who, from the sound of that name eat a lot out of the freezer section.

Why do you need bigger breasts that dissolve after 24 hours? Because you just haven’t been bra shopping until you’ve done it against a countdown and because you’ve always obsessed over having that Cinderella moment when the carriage turned into a pumpkin except when the clock strikes midnight your pumpkins will turn into tennis balls and the handsome prince will think you’re an alien because you’re chest just evaporated and because Dr. Norman Rowe saw a niche market for turning your cleavage into crack.

These are for the woman who doesn’t have time for implants, you know, real women of normal income. So if you’re feeling down and find that you own one too many loose fitting tops, keep your eyes on Groupon because short term ta-tas just scream Groupon. 24 hours boobs are available now in New York and Vacation Breasts will come once the FDA decides, who really cares if we turn women into Saltines, as long as they look fetching with a plunging neck line?

Thing 3
Text Neck.

That was the name of the greatest southern rapper ever before science with its incredibly on the nose descriptors came and took it away.

A new study says we text too much. This isn’t about those grades of yours or paying attention to your SO’s high score in Call of Duty, this one is about the extra wear and tear we put on our cervical spines by cocking our heads down to look at our phones all day. I’m writing this on my phone sitting on the bus. My neck is down and I’m taking an additional 60lbs on my cervical spine for you. It’s like writing while giving an oversized toddler a piggyback except there are no annoying questions and I’m less worried about getting peed on. The doctor behind this research, Kenneth Hansraj, said “It’s an epidemic or, at least, it’s very common. Which is like saying “I’m a doctor or really just a creeper white-coating it to get a date with Tim in Radiology.”  More likely this is a slow day and nothing generates clicks for a website like the terror of modern technology. (Thx for clicking!)

We know how to read. We’ve been doing it all over the place in all postures for centuries. How much do we hate ourselves? How destructive is bathroom reading? That wicked posture compounded by 1.5 lbs of book? What about reading in bed? When I was young and books were something people did, I could never find a way to read without hurting my neck or sending my arms into a fatigue state. But I endured. I shifted positions as my body needed. I chose my own adventure and I suffered for some sweet, sweet Lestat. The point is, there really is no position that the body is meant to hold for an extended period. We need to move.

But to address the evils of Text Neck, I am trying to finish this while keeping my head up and my shoulders back. It’s hard because all I think of when I type head up, shoulders back is my Yoga DVD. Where did you think that was going? It’s also hard (stop it) because I am now in danger of making eye contact with other people who are now all assuming that, since I’m holding my phone up, I am recording them. Perverts must have all the good posture. For the rest of us, hold your head up. You can still text, after your homework’s done, just remember that there’s more to life looking down, take breaks and do some compensatory stretches.

–Joe

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